Tuesday, August 29, 2017
Matriculation and all that it implies.
Matriculation, a schmancy word for the email the rest of us get when we enter a program. Now, I'm not one to turn my nose up at some free wine and delicious appetizers, however it's becoming abundently clear that the VIT and seminary make a ceremony of everything. I'm still learning how, as the Mrs. Vicarage In Training, I fit into this whole world. I feel welcomed and engaged but also purposefully separate. The separateness from a large chunk of my spouse''s life is difficult for me. I'm not sure where the difficulty lies. I'm sure I'll figure it out though. So until then I'll continue to be the partner of the seminarian.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
It's School Day Eve!
As with much of our summer, tomorrow is a big day for change! Our oldest child will be going to Kindergarten, the Vicar-In-Training (VIT) will officially begin classes in Seminary, our other kids will start their routine with the new childcare person, and I will be slowly moving into my office and starting my new job as an instructor. In this family we really do try to embrace change. Sometimes that embrace is filled with tears and gnashing of teeth. Sometimes, we more often than not, it is met with excitement and vigor. I'm sure tomorrow will be a little of all of that.
Recently the VIT went on a retreat and I was left with the children, alone, for 3 days. I know, mom's are left alone all the time and they survive. This was huge for us. In 6 years we have not spent many nights separated from each other or our children. This is the first time I've been alone with the kids for multiple nights in a few years. Not everyone knows but I had severe post-partum depression and anxiety with all of my kids. Varying levels but it was there. I was afraid that in my care something devastating would happen to them. As a result we made the compromise that we would try to minimize the times I would be all alone, along with meds, and a lot of counseling. This was to be the first test of where I was since we made the compromise. Honestly, I did great. Sure I was overwhelmed at the end of very long days but I was OK. I did not feel that crippling anxiety to be alone with them. I did not feel like I was suffocating. I actually enjoyed the one-on-one time with each of them and them as a group. I can honestly say that my PPD and PPA are not only very well managed but likely not an issue any more. PPD/PPA are serious and very real issues for so many parents. On the outside I am really well put together. I'm successful professionally, I have a beautiful family, I have always had a wonderful home and we seem like people whom are busy but doing well. A lot of that was because of the VIT. He managed a lot of balls because some days it was all I could do to get my butt out of bed, go to work, and come home a crash. I knew the kids were safest with him and I had no more spoons to give. It is nice to know that now I'm managing all the things and doing well. Sure I still have A LOT going on outside of my home but now I feel like I can manage all of that and my home too, if necessary.
As we ascend the hill before us I am grateful for his retreat. It showed me a ton about myself. It gave me a chance to be with my kids. It gave me a chance to build some confidence in myself. Now as we continue on I KNOW what I can and cannot do and most importantly I'm not afraid to ask for help. If you know someone whom you think might be suffering from PPD/PPA, encourage them to ask for help. Living life in that fear and isolation is scary. If you need someone to talk to because you think that might be you, reach out to me. I'm a safe person to talk about it with.
Much love as always, and a little bit of sass.
Recently the VIT went on a retreat and I was left with the children, alone, for 3 days. I know, mom's are left alone all the time and they survive. This was huge for us. In 6 years we have not spent many nights separated from each other or our children. This is the first time I've been alone with the kids for multiple nights in a few years. Not everyone knows but I had severe post-partum depression and anxiety with all of my kids. Varying levels but it was there. I was afraid that in my care something devastating would happen to them. As a result we made the compromise that we would try to minimize the times I would be all alone, along with meds, and a lot of counseling. This was to be the first test of where I was since we made the compromise. Honestly, I did great. Sure I was overwhelmed at the end of very long days but I was OK. I did not feel that crippling anxiety to be alone with them. I did not feel like I was suffocating. I actually enjoyed the one-on-one time with each of them and them as a group. I can honestly say that my PPD and PPA are not only very well managed but likely not an issue any more. PPD/PPA are serious and very real issues for so many parents. On the outside I am really well put together. I'm successful professionally, I have a beautiful family, I have always had a wonderful home and we seem like people whom are busy but doing well. A lot of that was because of the VIT. He managed a lot of balls because some days it was all I could do to get my butt out of bed, go to work, and come home a crash. I knew the kids were safest with him and I had no more spoons to give. It is nice to know that now I'm managing all the things and doing well. Sure I still have A LOT going on outside of my home but now I feel like I can manage all of that and my home too, if necessary.
As we ascend the hill before us I am grateful for his retreat. It showed me a ton about myself. It gave me a chance to be with my kids. It gave me a chance to build some confidence in myself. Now as we continue on I KNOW what I can and cannot do and most importantly I'm not afraid to ask for help. If you know someone whom you think might be suffering from PPD/PPA, encourage them to ask for help. Living life in that fear and isolation is scary. If you need someone to talk to because you think that might be you, reach out to me. I'm a safe person to talk about it with.
Much love as always, and a little bit of sass.
Friday, August 11, 2017
The Big Ask
We have been in Austin for exactly 26 days. It has been a roller-coaster of a ride to get to this place. The Vicar in training begins orientation tomorrow. I have started working. Life is on a somewhat predictable and usually trajectory again. In the same moment our life is on the tipping point. Eldest child starts school in just over a week. Other kids to have a nanny for the first time in the same amount of days. It is ALOT to keep it simple.
Yesterday while meeting with a representative of the seminary I was honest that seminary living and the journey to being Mrs. Vicarage was not an easy one, still isn't. She commented that this was a BIG ASK. That's the most honest and real phrase to encompass the journey that is discernment. To ask one''s family to go on this journey has to be incredibly difficult. To say yes, it's another world of faith. I've said yes but it comes with much trepidation. With many tears and fears. It also comes with a healthy dose of skepticism, which honestly it should.
As we turn on this point and continue down the Camino, we continue to lean into the discomfort of change. Luckily I know I have support, from new and old sisteren. The Vicarage is settled, now on to the business of life.
Yesterday while meeting with a representative of the seminary I was honest that seminary living and the journey to being Mrs. Vicarage was not an easy one, still isn't. She commented that this was a BIG ASK. That's the most honest and real phrase to encompass the journey that is discernment. To ask one''s family to go on this journey has to be incredibly difficult. To say yes, it's another world of faith. I've said yes but it comes with much trepidation. With many tears and fears. It also comes with a healthy dose of skepticism, which honestly it should.
As we turn on this point and continue down the Camino, we continue to lean into the discomfort of change. Luckily I know I have support, from new and old sisteren. The Vicarage is settled, now on to the business of life.
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