Enough is enough

 As a clergy spouse, you have some expectations that are placed on you and it's just part of the deal. One of the big ones is to not engage in political discussion. It inevitably alienates some of the congregation and makes you somewhat unapproachable. I've followed this rule, pretty explicitly. However, after yet another violent domestic terrorist attack on school children and teachers, I can no longer stay silent. 

I grew up in a household where guns were easily accessible. I was taught to shoot them at an early age. Engaged in hunting. I also was given a healthy fear of what they were capable of doing. I grew up with a veteran who had seen the ravages that happen when guns are used. I remember knowing where the guns were kept, where the ammo was, and that if I pointed a gun at someone, I had better be shooting to kill. As an adult, I married someone who also grew up similarly. We have had guns in our homes. We've not had ammo in years, 11.5 to be specific. We've discussed at length what do to with the two single-barrel shotguns that we have. They are currently secured where they are not accessible to children. In fact, I know our kids have no idea that we have them. Nor would they know what to do with them if they were to ever find them. They are in locked cases, have trigger locks, and there is no ammo in this house. We've taken every precaution and still, I feel unsafe with them in our home. 

Yesterday I watched the body cam of one of the officers from Nashville. My eyes and heart cried out seeing that sweet baby, the same age as one of our kids, blurred out on the floor as they were actively searching for the shooter. That sweet baby was murdered for being at school. Those officers did exactly as they were trained and stepped over her body to neutralize the threat. Bless them. They did what other officers did not. They did their job and I'm positive those images will haunt them forever. I wanted to stop watching the video but I made myself because much like the rest of the country I have started to become desensitized to the violence, partially in self-preservation because my kids have to go to school. As a two-income household, homeschooling is not a viable option. Additionally, they HAVE THE RIGHT TO FREE AND APPROPRIATE EDUCATION at a place where they won't die. When my 9-year-old was telling me about their most recent active shooter drill and said she is one of the kids in the outer circle because she's fast and she loves Jesus so if she dies she knows she will be okay, it broke my heart. She said it without fear and that demonstration of love for her classmates and a solid understanding of faith is remarkable and so terribly sad. For years I've been taking mental and physical pictures of my kids' outfits "in case" something happens. 

I know there will be people who want to respond that the answer is more guns but the data doesn't support that. I know there will be the good guy argument, but that doesn't track either. There will be people who come with tropes about mental health, as a mental health provider, give me and my colleagues the money to help or keep your mouth shut. This is an accessibility problem. Responsible gun ownership means that you understand the gravity of that with which you are charged. Otherwise, you are an adult person with a teenage mentality and should be managed as such. 

If this blog offends you, good. Now maybe you can understand how I feel when you tell me that I'm being silly or stupid as I pray over my children each day that I get the opportunity to pick them up from school instead of the morgue. If you're offended, please go tell that to the HUNDREDS of parents who never got to pick up their children. Those who had to identify them by their tennis shoes. Tell them that your right to own something NEVER intended for civilian use is more important than their baby. If you aren't ready to say that to their faces, you don't deserve your gun. I said what I said. If you feel like you want to talk to me personally about this, let's chat. Face to face. Anything I've said on here, I'll repeat to your face. Feel free to unfriend, unfollow, and generally avoid me if this makes you angry. You're allowed to feel how you want. 

Can I get a hallelujah?

It's that deep time of Lent. When all things in our house revolve around the Vicar's schedule of churchy things. When the sermons focus on how to repent and be better. And while he always reminds us how at the core of all things Jesusy come down to love, the readings y'all....they remind me that I've got a lot of work to do. 

Additionally, the PKs are on Spring Break which would be great if both the Vicar nor I didn't have oodles of work to do. But as they do, they find ways to occupy themselves and sink into moments of boredom that, in my opinion, make them better and more resilient beings. Boredom is a part of life. Also, there are five of them so boredom is a choice around here. With a "large" family you rarely get a moment's peace let alone enough time to be bored. Which in itself is a blessing and curse. 

Professionally, I'm in a good space. I am busy and have lots to accomplish but it feels good. I'm working both academically and clinically and it feels good. After 5 years I've found the balance, at least for this term. I've been included on a really interesting study about communication which has led to some amazing conversations with dear friends and family. I am learning which feels so good. #ForeverAStudent

Personally, things are good. I feel like I have enough time to do some self-care things and fulfill my curiosity to learn non-academic things. Life moves fast but sometimes you gotta stop and smell the roses. 

So as I wrap this up to go see what needs to be prepped for one of the PKs to have a friend over for a sleepover I am reminded that even in the deep seasons of faith reflection when we generally don't give the hallelujah, it's okay and right to feel it and say it. I'm sure Jesus won't mind. Here is to a week filled with a full and bustling house, some intermittent quality time with kids, and maybe even the Vicar until next week when I fly off to Waco to fill my teacher cup with a week of the lab on campus! 

May the Lord bless you and your week. Good, challenging, stressful, or peaceful, I'm praying for it to just be and for you to find what you need out of it. 

Overwhelmed in the best way.

 Occasionally, well every term actually, I intentionally take some time to reflect on the rosebuds and thorns, or highs and lows of each block of teaching and time in general. Today, I had a chance to sit in a quiet home and reflect. This term and block of life has been wonderful. Although I had a surgery that didn't go quite right, I had so much support. From my colleagues, from my students, from framily, and our various communities. I am so humbled. 

Today I was part of a very important conversation on the intersection of race and OT. I was able to listen to some of my favorite people speak about their experiences and give advice to other people on how to navigate through the trials. Trials that I've never and will never experience. The strength of both groups of people to show and be vulnerable was inspiring and helped me see that there is so much more we can do. Different phases of my life and career flashed before my eyes. I haven't always been the best ally. I've witnessed discrimination and probably dealt it myself. I am not proud of that. I am committed to not being just not racist but being anti-racist. 

Stillness Restored

 We have reached the point post New Year were things begin to return to our typical schedules. PKs have returned to school, the Vicar has his laser focus back to church and his people, and I am sitting in an empty home that is filled with stillness. I know we've all heard that Christmas song with the line about parent's waiting for school to begin and if you're a parent you know how hard you relate to that line. While I have truly enjoyed (for the most part) the last few weeks of all of the kids being home and me being mostly relieved of work duties we are all ready for some structure. I have enjoyed seeing them enjoy their siblings, we've been able to have movie days, and we've been able to commune as a family. I have had to referee more arguments and general disagreements than I'd prefer as well. 

Last night we had 6 of the 7 of us playing Monopoly. It was truly a wonderful evening. We were loud. I got to see my sweet babies who play competitively with good sportsmanship. The OG PK won and did so with grace. She is so cunning and she is kind. I see the years that have passed and the one's coming in hot all at once. I cannot wait to see how our next family game night goes. 

This morning was full of excitement and although there was a bit of feet dragging by the wee PK, all were dropped off and were ready to get back to friends and predictable days. The Vicar went off on his way and I went back to sleep for an hour. Waking up I was able to get some tea and slide back into my routines. It was nice to be able to have silence. After a few short meetings and returning of emails I am seated at my computer typing this blog and it is perfection. I am so fortunate to have this level of flexibility in my daily life.