Mom of a boy

Dear Harrison,

I've been writing some version of this letter for over 8 years. As you are now almost 6 months old and have several more to go on the "inside" know that I have been diligently preparing to be your mom. Someday you and I will have a deep conversation on why we had so many sisters before you came along. It will be a conversation filled with smiles, laughs, and some tears. What I hope you take from this future conversation is how very much loved and wanted you were. You were not planned by us for our family but by a universe and a God who loved you before we knew you existed. Your Dad and I completed our family on April 10, 2010. The day we committed our lives to one another and to the future children (we hoped) would come along. You and your sisters were like sprinkles on the cupcake.

As we prepare to bring you earth side I would be remiss if I didn't keep it real and say, I'm afraid I won't be as great mom as I was to your sisters. One thing you'll learn about your mom is that I am great at being a 'girl mom'. I'm great at building a teeny army of feminist ceiling breakers who stand up for themselves and others. Great at teaching them to find their voice and never let anyone or anything get in their way. For 8 years I've been planning how to raise the best women I could potentially raise. And then, surprise, now you get to raise a boy/man (or at least at this point). I'll admit it, I have NO IDEA what I am doing. I will be learning how to be a mom to you in much the same way as I was to our first PKIT. The world will automatically have a different set of rules that you will be told to follow. You will have opportunities that your sisters didn't. You will also struggle, as many men do, to find the softness and masculinity that makes you a whole and wonderful person. I cannot say that I can teach all the things, as strong as I am, I've never been where you are. One thing I rely on is that your Dad is one of the most amazing human beings I've ever met and he can teach you worlds about that kinda stuff. Phew, at least we have that right?!?!?!

So my sweet and lovable child, know that I can only promise I'll do my best. I will fail. Sometimes miserably and painfully. I will rely on this amazing family your Dad and I have cultivated as well as surrounded ourselves with to help you learn and grow. I can unabashedly promise that you will be loved beyond measure. You will never need to doubt that. Your sisters, although they will likely boss the hell out of you, will love you with the fiercest love possible, possibly greater than mine. We will always be your point "B". Just know that we are all bumbling through and that at the end of the day, we love you and couldn't be happier to see and meet you. We love you mucho mas.

Lila Jean

Sometimes we have people in our lives that are bigger than life. They are our superheros. They give our hearts a reason to sing. They can do no wrong in the imaginary world that they inhabit in our brains and in our hearts. My aunt was that person for me. She was a curly-wild haired woman who made bee pollen smoothies, took me to my first health-foods co-op, and made me feel alive. As an adult and a mother myself, I know she was not perfect. But in those moments, she was perfect to me. She was and still is bigger than life. 

When we bought our new car for some reason I felt my Aunt Lila's presence. She would have likely been horrified about my choice but also, would have seen the joy in my eyes and in the eyes of my girls and would have been supportive. Our new car is 40 years young come August. She is loud, a bit temperamental, and gives me life. It's not the best car on the market but it makes me feel free. 

This morning, as I rolled the windows down, opened the sunroof, and began driving I could feel my spirit lift. As I roared down the freeway, I could feel that bigger than life feeling. Lila has been gone for almost 24 years. I was only 14 when she passed. But today, in Austin, TX, I got to feel a little bit of her again. Everyday I drive that car, even when it's hot, I will feel a little bit of my aunt. And I believe she will be whispering, go, be free sweet girl. Sassy, classy, and a little bit kick-assy. #goals #tridentgum #purplekitchen