The longest year of six months of my life

This has been the longest six months of my life. Actually, it's been the longest 8 months of any year of my life. Since the 5th PKIT was born, our lives have been turned over, dumped out, spun around, shaken up, and flung out like a confetti popper. 

If you've read my blog you know that the 5.0 PKIT's birth was, well in short, awful. Nearly killed us both, and left me in an emotional state that was precarious on the best of days. But slowly we worked through the rough bits and started to turn things around. Just about the time that we began to feel our stride, Corona hit. Like a damn tidal wave. A rogue wave that suddenly comes crashing around you and there is little you can do besides pray that life will somehow balance out and return to normal. 

I love my children with all of my heart but 13 weeks of 24/7 of our kids...I'm over it. Now, let us throw in working from home, homeschooling, graduating seminary for the VIT, receiving a call, finding a new place to move, never getting to say goodbye, and moving (in less than 48 hours from now), I AM EXHAUSTED AND I CANNOT TAKE ONE MORE DAMN MINUTE OF THIS! 

I hate that my kids, my husband, and I have not had a chance to really say goodbye to Austin. I hate that all of our plans to properly move on from this point have been tainted, ruined, and cut off. I hate that we will leave this place and it feels unfinished. I know this comes off as privileged and that makes me angry at myself too. 

I am so grateful we are healthy. I am grateful that we have the means and ability to move and get settled. I am grateful the VIT has a call. I am grateful that I have a job that has flexibility. I am grateful that I've gotten some quality time with the kids. I'm glad that we will start somewhere and make new connections. BUT I AM TIRED. 

And sometimes, it's okay to be tired. To want to stop. I want to stop. Perhaps tomorrow will be better. So I'll follow the advice I frequently give, it is okay to rest, it is not okay to give up. 

Core Values

Fundamental core values are neither conditional nor situationally dependent.

I saw this on Instagram the other day and as I do I put it on a "sticky note" on my laptop desktop. I like to keep quotes, verses, etc on there to act as small reminders of what I'm working towards and where I'm coming from. 

All of my life I've tried to learn as much as possible, for as long as possible, from the best people I could find on the subject I've studied. My first teachers, my family gave me a strong understanding of how to be a good and decent person. One who loved after all the messiness that life brings. One who saw the best in the worst situations. My academic teachers taught me the skills to make good life and career decisions. Who taught me of far off things that seemed out of reach but that they saw as plausible places for my mind and ambition to go. Professionally I've been blessed to have wonderful managers and leaders who gave me opportunities to succeed and challenges to learn from. They taught me how to make heartfelt and hard decisions based on ethics and reason. So many of these teachers have been women. Strong and fierce women who themselves had faced adversities of all shapes, sizes, colors, and barriers. They did it mainly for the sake of lifting up another woman who had dreams as big as the sky and a work ethic that never gives up. 

When I first got my job as an instructor I was over the moon. I have always loved learning and I was bursting with joy at the opportunity to share that knowledge with the next generation. I was also woefully underprepared for the life change that comes with educating the future. But as they learned, so did I. I became a better teacher, they learned the skills necessary to earn their degrees. As I advanced in leadership I learned more lessons about hard choices and the messiness that comes with leadership. I learned how I wanted to be led which in turn will prayerfully make me a better leader. 

When I think about the above-mentioned quote I know that one thing that has never wavered throughout my 39 years on this planet are my core values. Be kind. Be competent. Be compassionate. Be consistent. I may have not always lived fully into those but I give it my best effort each day. Where I falter, grace abounds. From my family, from my friends, from my colleagues, and from my students. I am better because they forgive and challenge. They lift up and remind. They are all my beginning and my end.