How's Your Heart?

 Lately, the world has felt so heavy. So weary. So disparaging. And I'm not talking about politics, well, not in totality, but in general. We are angry. We are hurt. We are lashing out. We are not showing up to life with our whole chest, values, and best foot forward. We are practicing self-protection, and while it is sometimes necessary for our own mental and physical health, as part of the human family, we are called to be and do better. To care for others and ourselves with love, respect, boundaries, and compassion. 

Recently, I've seen the worst in myself. In how I've initially felt and reacted to things and people. I wrote a post about sitting in judgment on and of myself. We should all do that to ensure we are owning up and showing up to do the work. We also need to be our own biggest cheerleaders because at the end of the day, you are your longest and most intimate relationship. In the quiet moments, it's just you and yourself. 

Last night I stayed near my work because I have an early and long day today, and sometimes you just need to sleep and wake and get things started, and it was good for my soul. I love my family and children, and I miss them, even when I know I'll see them in a few hours, but my soul needed rest. Over the course of the evening, I had several conversations with friends near and far and watched reels that just spoke to the weariness of the soul. And I cried. A deep cry. One that spoke to the heaviness of the world currently. And the heaviness of my own circle. Friends of mine, who'd I'd do pretty much anything for, are deeply hurting, and while I wish I could lift that burden and hurt and take it on, I know realistically I cannot. But I can pray. I can be a listening ear. I can love them. And we can do what you do when things are hard and scary, hold hands through it, and trust that our ability to love more than hurt is true. Being the one leaned on doesn't end or change the heavy or the hur,t but it is shared, and sometimes we just need rest. Just need the load to shift. 

So weary reader and fellow earth traveler, as always, I'm here. Praying for peace and finding moments of joy because that's resistance too. I'm here if you need to scream into the void. We can go find some stones to throw in a pond or lake, to watch the ripples. I have miles of time to be your travel partner. I love you big and wide. And if we don't agree on things, that's okay because I see your humanity and I trust that you see mine. And I know that at the end of this life, we take very little with us. The thing I want to leave entirely is a legacy of love. And maybe joy. 

Take a deep breath, puff out your chest, you're gonna be okay. -Ashh Blackwood

#LYMI #TravelingBuddies #NewDay

Finding your village

A dear friend recently told me that one of the most challenging but good things about relationships is that our level and depth of relationships change. Some become closer, others move farther away. The genuineness of the relationship may stay the same but how we interact in those relationships changes and that is okay. Lately I've realized that in order to continue to develop I need to work on how to foster and grow some of my relationships and how to gently release others so that both parties can move along their journey. 

Yesterday, during a much needed catch up with one of my dearest soul sisters she reminded me that some people are here for reasons, seasons, or lifetimes. Moreover she pointed out that sometimes seasons are temporary and that we will find people who come in, go out, and then reappear, changed but still at their core who they have always been. As a woman, in my (almost mid!?!?!?) 40's I find this more and more true each day. When you're in college or right after you are thrown into adulthood and some of the friends you make are simply because you are at a job 40hrs + a week, your kids go to school or play sports together, you run in the same social circles. Once you get into your 40's, although some of that still exists, you begin to wittle down the circle. You still care deeply for those who once occupied much of your life but you begin to realize that in order to keep the chaos in check, the friend group often receeds. 

My three closest girlfriends are all very different people. One is a an empy-nester who is moving into the next phase of parenting and parenting after losing one of her kids. One is in the thick of active-duty parenting and she is also a working outside the home mom of two glorious souls and lives in the upper midwest. The last lives in Texas and is parenting and coparenting with her spouse. One thing we all have in common is we are all healthcare providers. We are all mothers. And we are all fully invested in keeping these connections alive. Across the miles. Through texts, phone dates, meems, Marco Polos, and sometimes just a voicemail on a busy day between "things". We understand that distance, both physical and emotional doesn't mean we don't love eachother or care about what is going on but that sometimes life is just so very busy. Each of them know that without hesitation or reservation I would drop my work and get on a plane or in my car and I'd be there as soon as I was able. I love these women fiercely and they love me back. 

So for all of us out here, living life. Working on all our dimensions, I salute you. Keep doing the things. Rest when needed. Never give up. Find your village. Love them well. 

Timing is everything

The last seven months have been really challenging. In the best and most hard ways. In the last seven months we picked up and moved, came to a different state, changed our kids schools and friends, left jobs, started new jobs, learned about tornados, celebrated with family, watched our daughters and son continue to grow and thrive. Learned to trust in the plans as they unfold. Saw me through a huge step up in my career, saw the Vicar make it through 3/4 of a liturgical year, and have had the pleasure of seeing our most cherished friends move back to Oklahoma while also making new friends who embrace the chaos that is our life. 

And all the while continuing to chug along on our way. Figuring out who we are, how we fit into this new community, how we change and grow and continue to meet each other's needs, the needs of the PKs, of my students, of the Vicar’s flock, and how we show up for ourselves. Some days it is “easy” and other days it feels insurmountable. Both of us know that we are exactly where the Lord led us. And even when it’s scary and challenging, we continue to move forward and do what we can to reassure, support, cheer, mourn, grow, and reflect to ensure we are continuing to listen, to lead, and to be led. 

As I sit here we have a PK who is at her “boyfriend’s” lake house for the afternoon and dinner. We knew the day was coming but if I’m honest it is not easy. But what can you do but ensure the kid knows the boundaries, send them off with appropriate supervision, and pray that you’ve done what you can to ensure they make good choices. We are seeing the inching towards independence get stronger every day and while I’m happy that we’ve raised respectful and compassionate humans, it is equal parts sad and a little scary. And I definitely know that the veteran parents know what I’m talking about. As a wise veteran mom told me “from the moment they are born, you begin the process of letting go, the process of learning how to walk around with a part of your heart outside your body”. It’s the wildest of feelings and completely true. 

So as we continue through the summer and shortly welcome another school year, I am gonna lean hard into the trusting phase. Because it is only the beginning. LYMI. Make it weird. 

10% Luck, 20% Skill, 15% Concentrated Power of Will, 5% Pleasure, 50% Pain...

 Many of you probably remember the days back in 2018-2019 when I was pursuing a PhD in education. I was making excellent progress, and then, the Lord and the universe decided that our family wasn't quite complete, and PK 5.0 was in the making. Honestly, something had to give. I was stretched physically, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically. I had the degree that I needed to do my job. I didn't "need" the PhD, and all things considered, I decided that I'd put it down for a bit and resume. Well, 5 years later, a global pandemic, 2 moves, a couple of job changes, and that PK 5.0 starts kindergarten in the fall. All this to say, it is time to pick this back up. 

Is this a hectic time in life? Yep. Is this going to stretch me? Yep. Do I "need" this? No, not for my career. Do I want this? YES. This time, it's completely personal. This time, I want to remind myself that I'm worth the effort and time to do the thing. I know I can do this. Yes, it will be a sacrifice and it will be hard. I will want to quit. It will be late nights and working around the other parts of my life, but I have always wanted to reach the pinnacle of academic heights. My grandmother and great-grandmother always told me to do the things that mean something to me. Yes, you'll invest your time, but TIME WILL PASS ANYWAY. 

I of course, couldn't do this without the unwavering support of the Rector and the PKs. When I began talking about this, all of them reminded me that we do this together. My 13, almost 14-year-old told me how proud she is of all I've done and that I didn't need to do this, but she was proud that I was doing something that I wanted to do. That, y'all, that was enough. For her to see that this wasn't about survival but thriving and living into my dream. That's the lesson for all of us in all this. 

The world is on fire but nevertheless, WE PERSIST. Any woman is a force to be reckoned with, a highly educated one, she is either your best advocate or your worst nightmare, and she matches your energy so you get to decide how this goes. So, with a grateful and humble heart I ask for your prayers as I prayerfully resume this journey. I am finishing up my application and will be sitting in prayer as it is evaluated. I appreciate your support and regardless of the day or outcomes, LYMI. 

6 weeks in

 This week will mark 6 weeks in Oklahoma. We had our first holiday here. So blessed to have family come up for the weekend. Got some quality time and the kids got to further bond with their cousins. I was able to love on and express my love through food (thanks Gigi, Lila, Meme, Betty, and Angie for teaching me how). We got to hit all the amazing thrifts in town. Got to see beloved friends from out of town who have family here. Basically, the pick me up this weary heart needed. This isn't to say things are bad, they are far from it but the tumultuous nature of moving is always challenging, even to those of us most seasoned. 

In the past six weeks, we've moved into the vicarage and made it feel like home. The kids are thriving in their new school and are making friends. They still miss their Snyder friends but thanks to facetime and Snapchat they arent ever too far. I miss my friends there but they feel my love via memes and funny videos on the regular. Bryan is settling into a parish that has welcomed him with open arms. He's navigated a challenging election and post-election season and he continues to be the strength and calm in the storm. We are headed to Dallas in a couple weeks to see a game in Cowboys stadium and I know my grandpa is reveling that! 

We are looking forward to my transition from nearly fully remote work to a commute and in-person education with the University of Oklahoma in the new year. It will be change but it will be amazing and very much a huge "W" for me as the kids say. We know the Lord brought us to this point and will see us through this huge shift. 

We have two birthdays on the horizon and the Rector's busiest season of the year. Two of the PKs have a band concert, 4 have a Christmas/holiday program, a Grandma and PopPop visit, and some fun surprises coming our way in the New Year! 

Last year, my words were "listen and discern," and the Lord made sure I meditated and prayed on those. What will the words be for this year....

2 weeks in

 Yesterday was the 2-week mark of being in Oklahoma. So much has transpired and yet everything is very familiar. This past weekend we had visitors from "home" as well as family from just down I35. Both were needed and welcomed. We had laughs, unpacked boxes, dinners, and meals shared with love. We walked down to a fall festival in our town's downtown train depot. We watched the cousins bond. it was balm for weary souls. 

Our new church home and family have been incredibly welcoming, honestly, couldn't ask for more. We miss the ones we've left but we are confident that as we all move forward we do so with love and gratitude and prayers for sustaining grace. We miss our All Saint's breakfast, not gonna lie. 

Not a huge update but as the days turn to weeks and will turn to eventual months, and prayerfully years, we continue to sit in grace and prayer for what has been, what is, and what will come. Love y'all, mean it. 

Origins

 Names are incredibly funny and perplexing things. Names are bestowed on us by our families of origins or those who raise us. They are things we accept and take and some of us love them. Some of us hate them. I live in a world where my name is source of pride and a source of pain. And I'll carry both those things with me onto the next world. When it came to naming our children, it is something the Rector and I took very very seriously. 

With PK 1.0 I knew I wanted her to be named after her Dad. Having an absent father, one that really didn't care so much that I existed but did just enough to keep me on the hook, I knew the PK would have a very different relationship with hers. I also wanted her to be intimately connected to one of three women who loved me more than anything. So she is named after her dad and my maternal grandmother. And wowee, is she ever the spitting image of her dad and the fire of her GiGi. She is strong and quiet. Fierce and unwavering in her ideas. She is the very best of both of them. 

PK 2.0 started out with the name Emery. I loved it. But as luck would have it we needed a last-minute change and honestly, I named her after the female lead on Scrubs. She is my smarty pants who FEELS everything. She is also named after her paternal great-grandmother. She is fierce in her own way. She is pragmatic, and a natural nurturer. She loves small people and can stand up for herself if needed. Her paternal great-grandmother had 6 children earthside and worked tirelessly to love and care for them. PK 2.0 is my "thinker". 

PK 3.0 is my wild card. Always has been, and always will be. She is named for my grandpa's love of his home state, Louisiana. I always say I knew her name the moment I knew I was pregnant. The Rector was kind and got on board with very little discussion. She is named after both her paternal grandmother and one of her maternal great-aunts. It's a name that is very feminine but also very strong. Just like her name she has weathered much but stands firm in who she is. She doesn't need anyone to agree with her, she is who she is and she doesn't need or want or seek your approval. She loves fiercely and will always do so. Also, without any need for permission or approval. She is probably one of the best Christians I know. Just love and if it's not about love and kindness, it's not about Jesus or God. I love that she loves that way. 

PK 4.0....named after our favorite beach in California and for her paternal great-great grandmother. She also shares the name with my maternal great-great aunt. PK 4.0 is a ball of fire who will be #hatefulandrude if she needs to be. She can love you and kick your ass in the same breath. She is the perfect littlest of sisters. I hope she doesn't dull that flame for anyone. If you can't take her at her sassiest, you don't deserve her at her best. I'll stand ten toes down on that. Lord, you had better have given your heart to God cause if you cross her, your butt belongs to her. 

PK5.0, the one who changed the game. Who closed the book of childbearing for me. In like a damn lion and living like a lamb. He's the picture of his paternal great-grandpa with his paternal grandpa and dad's eyes. He is kind and sweet. He is the best version of both our families. And as he told me the other day, "I might be moving to Okwahoma but I'm a Texan!" You sure are buddy. Live into that proudly. 

These earthside kiddos are amazing and I'm so glad they are mine. 

Some days are just hard

 So amid much change and nothing but change on the horizon sometimes God and the universe require you to stop and lean in hard to the hard. Today is one of those days. I'm sitting reeling because I have MUCH to accomplish and what feels like not enough time in the day to do it. I am coming off a week of being gone and came home to sick kids and a list a mile long. I am grateful to have all those things to come home to but it's ALOT for your girl. I tried to take a day to just reset and move into the routine of home but that is anything but routine at this point. So as I type here, my tears are streaming down my face because I don't know what to do so I'm just gonna lean and let it flow till I can regroup. Everything that is most important and necessary will get done. Other things will move to another day or be delegated. And both of those are okay and good. 

I am also navigating the balance of excitement for a new adventure and mourning the loss of many good things here. Both of those are valid, good, and appropriate. So if you're in your feelings today, feeling overwhelmed, feeling sad, or challenged, I'm right here with you. We can do it together to make it feel not so hard. But friend, we have made it through 100% of our hardest and most challenging days. So we will keep moving forward, rest when we need to, drink some water (maybe a couple monsters too), and get on with getting on. I love you lots, mean it. Keep just being and showing up, the rest takes care of itself. #LYMI #RoughDays #MoreThanTheHard #GettinOnWithGettinOn

449 days and 148.2 lbs

 Today is a milestone. nearly 15 months post-surgery I have surpassed my 1/2 weight goal. I have lost an entire person's weight worth of excess weight. When I started on this journey in January of 2023 I just wanted to walk. I wanted to walk to get my groceries in Walmart without feeling like I was dying. Carrying around nearly 300 lbs of weight was so scary. I could feel my joints rubbing. I could feel myself getting winded walking up the four steps to our front door. I could feel myself holding my breath when stepping up on the step ladder and genuinely worrying about if it would hold my weight. I was worried about becoming unbalanced and falling. At not yet 42 I had the mobility challenges of people twice my age. My blood pressure was fine. I didn't even qualify as having pre-diabetes. I was "healthy" but I was terrifyingly obese. Nothing fit my very petite 5'3" frame. I was miserable. 

At various points, I wanted to give up. The Vicar and those closest knew I wanted to just eat during that 2-week liquid diet stage. It was some of the lowest lows. This entire process has been one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life. I remember calling my dear friend and VSG bestie and telling her this was all horseshit. That I was okay with being overweight and that I was an emotional mess. She listened, told me that everything I was feeling was valid, but also kept reminding me that the life and freedom that was coming was worth every ounce of this, done twice. Lacey, you were so fucking right. I literally would not have had the courage to do this, the fortitude to stick with it, and the gratefulness to be on this side of it, without you. 

The next year would prove to not be easy either. Counseling to heal my relationship with food. Some tough conversations with dieticians, psychiatrists, and honestly, many many with God about how to make this successful. Shear will and a deep and true dislike of vomit (IYKYK how I feel about vomit). Perforated bowel, NPO weeks, diverticulitis, hospitalizations, enough antibiotics for farm animals, and midnight chats with God that if He wanted to take me, I was ready. Learning how to consistently make good nutrition choices. Mourning some of the foods that gave me comfort, reminded me of my childhood, and learning that I can celebrate in many different ways. 

One thing that has been so wild has been the clarity around choices of all sorts during this journey. Before so much of my life was lived in a way that covered pain, sorrow, boredom, joy, and every other emotion with food. If you know me, you know my feelings (of all kinds) often tasted like Mexican martinis and chips and queso. I've learned that one Mexican martini and a handful of queso and chips is plenty. Physically limiting my intake was the only way. My brain and belly required a rewire. And it was the very best decision for me. It will always be the best health-related decision I've made. 

So to myself, today, I say, Jeri, I'm so freaking proud of you. You did it. Surpassed every goal you set for yourself. You run, dance, sing, and enjoy your life. You will always want to eat the things you know you can't and that's ok. You make good decisions. One that improve your life. You demonstrate self-love to the highest levels to your kids. You demonstrate and live out #LYMI to yourself and because you do that, you can extend that love to others. Keep making the next right choice. Keep being tremendously proud of what you've accomplished. Don't ever not celebrate it, even if you are the only one celebrating. It took 42 years to get to the old you, you've got another 41 celebrating this new one, at least! Jeri, I love you to the ends of the earth. Go forth and love others. 

Baby, baby, baby....

 Recently I saw and shared a meme about being the hype girl. And it really resonated with me. For so many years I felt the need to compete. To be the best. In sports, in academics, in life. I had to do the most. Be the most. Do better. And while it did get me lots of places it always made me tired. Made me consistently feel less than. The more I achieved the more I wanted, the less I felt. It also made me catty. A subpar friend. Made me compare everything. Made me green with envy. Made me depressed. I was kind but it was masking so much stuff. 

Quite a few years ago I decided I wanted to change. To learn to live in abundance. To know and believe that I had what was meant for me. That anything meant for me would find me. I began small. Replacing each negative thought with affirming ones. Affirming didn't always mean sugary positive. Sometimes it was simply, "no, not today" when the push to be rude or catty came through. Of course, there was therapy, meds, and lots of work on many different aspects too. Since many of my best people are spread out throughout the country I found that social media posts were a way to pebble them and let them know I loved them. Texts too.

As corny as it sounds, the more love, encouragement, and kindness I gave out, the more love returned. The greater capacity of love I had for others, the more I could find for myself too. If you follow me on socials you'll consistently (probably too much for some people but I love them anyway) see me telling people that I love them, mean it. And I do. I have found an endless capacity for love. Love that wants to see you be happy. Love that is there when love walks away. Love that cheers and celebrates the beginnings and love that consoles and holds space when the ends inevitably come. Love that will check in on you. Love that will give you space when you need it. But the love remains. You don't love me, it's cool. I still love you. I wish you all the good and peace this place we call life has to offer. I won't force my love in ways that feel uncomfortable for you if I do. Tell me. I can't stop loving you but I will never make you feel uncomfortable on purpose with my love. 

During the pandemic, I realized that so much of the love I had I poured into my patients and students. Suddenly I only had my immediate family to pour that onto and while that was good I was bursting. So I decided to start writing and widening my virtual love circle. And y'all, it was incredible. Many people may think this is a facade or some mask I put on but it's not. I do love this much. I love complete strangers. Want them to know that some random woman in West Texas thinks they are lovable and wonderful. 

I know some of you may think this makes me naive. I am not. I know there are some very dangerous people out there. Just cause I love you doesn't mean I invite you in without vetting or precautions. I am loving but I am not gullible or interested in putting myself, my family, my friends, my colleagues, or my students at risk. And let me tell you, the list of people who aren't on my love list is short but the list exists and it takes a lot to get on it and once you're on, it's a life sentence. As I half-jokingly say pray with me, don't play with me. 

So, as you start your week. Know that I love you big and wide. You're doing so great. It might not seem like it but whatever good or bad will pass. Keep on moving. Rest when needed and if you need a little laugh or love, you know where to find me. Until then, get it! Love you, mean it! 

My friend TFF

 As we see on the socials, memes by the thousands about your BFFs, your purple, your yellow, your green, etc. These memes are ways to express how the people in our lives support and love, kick us in the pants, help us grow, and are soft places for us to land. I'm so freaking lucky that I have the very best of the best y'all. A collection of sister friends who have seen and known me, mostly for the last 15ish years. They are from different stages but all have a couple of things in common. They are amazing women completely in their own right. They are strong, talented, kind, compassionate, fearless, loyal, and determined women who come from so many different walks of life. They tirelessly lift others up. Some of them I met as I was really blossoming into my adulthood, others I met much later and they continue to be my closest circle of trusted advisors and ears. 

Today, I want to talk about TFF. If you know, you know, she's the best version of Miss Frizzle you'd ever want to meet. She came from meager and humble beginnings and made such an amazing life for herself. She is a granddaughter, beloved by her Nan. A daughter who unselfishly takes care of her mother. A sister who demonstrates a loving kindness that is unparalleled. As a mother, she goals, y'all. She supports her amazing son, through and through. As a professor and OT, she has accomplished so very much. The highest of accolades, the drive is fierce. As a friend, she has helped me find a confidence that makes me feel like my voice is important. She is constructively critical always from a place of love and desire to help me reach my full potential. She is a safe place to vent. Her home is a place of cozy and comfort. She loves planners and school supplies. She has the best dog there ever was, Mason, you will always have a piece of my heart. And she is the meaning of persistence and patience. 

TFF, you're the good in the world. You are hilarious and have a soul that shines like the sun. I hope that someday when we are celebrating your platinum birthday, we can look back on our journey and clink glasses and agree that we "love this journey for us." Thank you for everything. Here's to the next 20! #LYMI