Baby, baby, baby....

 Recently I saw and shared a meme about being the hype girl. And it really resonated with me. For so many years I felt the need to compete. To be the best. In sports, in academics, in life. I had to do the most. Be the most. Do better. And while it did get me lots of places it always made me tired. Made me consistently feel less than. The more I achieved the more I wanted, the less I felt. It also made me catty. A subpar friend. Made me compare everything. Made me green with envy. Made me depressed. I was kind but it was masking so much stuff. 

Quite a few years ago I decided I wanted to change. To learn to live in abundance. To know and believe that I had what was meant for me. That anything meant for me would find me. I began small. Replacing each negative thought with affirming ones. Affirming didn't always mean sugary positive. Sometimes it was simply, "no, not today" when the push to be rude or catty came through. Of course, there was therapy, meds, and lots of work on many different aspects too. Since many of my best people are spread out throughout the country I found that social media posts were a way to pebble them and let them know I loved them. Texts too.

As corny as it sounds, the more love, encouragement, and kindness I gave out, the more love returned. The greater capacity of love I had for others, the more I could find for myself too. If you follow me on socials you'll consistently (probably too much for some people but I love them anyway) see me telling people that I love them, mean it. And I do. I have found an endless capacity for love. Love that wants to see you be happy. Love that is there when love walks away. Love that cheers and celebrates the beginnings and love that consoles and holds space when the ends inevitably come. Love that will check in on you. Love that will give you space when you need it. But the love remains. You don't love me, it's cool. I still love you. I wish you all the good and peace this place we call life has to offer. I won't force my love in ways that feel uncomfortable for you if I do. Tell me. I can't stop loving you but I will never make you feel uncomfortable on purpose with my love. 

During the pandemic, I realized that so much of the love I had I poured into my patients and students. Suddenly I only had my immediate family to pour that onto and while that was good I was bursting. So I decided to start writing and widening my virtual love circle. And y'all, it was incredible. Many people may think this is a facade or some mask I put on but it's not. I do love this much. I love complete strangers. Want them to know that some random woman in West Texas thinks they are lovable and wonderful. 

I know some of you may think this makes me naive. I am not. I know there are some very dangerous people out there. Just cause I love you doesn't mean I invite you in without vetting or precautions. I am loving but I am not gullible or interested in putting myself, my family, my friends, my colleagues, or my students at risk. And let me tell you, the list of people who aren't on my love list is short but the list exists and it takes a lot to get on it and once you're on, it's a life sentence. As I half-jokingly say pray with me, don't play with me. 

So, as you start your week. Know that I love you big and wide. You're doing so great. It might not seem like it but whatever good or bad will pass. Keep on moving. Rest when needed and if you need a little laugh or love, you know where to find me. Until then, get it! Love you, mean it!