449 days and 148.2 lbs

 Today is a milestone. nearly 15 months post-surgery I have surpassed my 1/2 weight goal. I have lost an entire person's weight worth of excess weight. When I started on this journey in January of 2023 I just wanted to walk. I wanted to walk to get my groceries in Walmart without feeling like I was dying. Carrying around nearly 300 lbs of weight was so scary. I could feel my joints rubbing. I could feel myself getting winded walking up the four steps to our front door. I could feel myself holding my breath when stepping up on the step ladder and genuinely worrying about if it would hold my weight. I was worried about becoming unbalanced and falling. At not yet 42 I had the mobility challenges of people twice my age. My blood pressure was fine. I didn't even qualify as having pre-diabetes. I was "healthy" but I was terrifyingly obese. Nothing fit my very petite 5'3" frame. I was miserable. 

At various points, I wanted to give up. The Vicar and those closest knew I wanted to just eat during that 2-week liquid diet stage. It was some of the lowest lows. This entire process has been one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life. I remember calling my dear friend and VSG bestie and telling her this was all horseshit. That I was okay with being overweight and that I was an emotional mess. She listened, told me that everything I was feeling was valid, but also kept reminding me that the life and freedom that was coming was worth every ounce of this, done twice. Lacey, you were so fucking right. I literally would not have had the courage to do this, the fortitude to stick with it, and the gratefulness to be on this side of it, without you. 

The next year would prove to not be easy either. Counseling to heal my relationship with food. Some tough conversations with dieticians, psychiatrists, and honestly, many many with God about how to make this successful. Shear will and a deep and true dislike of vomit (IYKYK how I feel about vomit). Perforated bowel, NPO weeks, diverticulitis, hospitalizations, enough antibiotics for farm animals, and midnight chats with God that if He wanted to take me, I was ready. Learning how to consistently make good nutrition choices. Mourning some of the foods that gave me comfort, reminded me of my childhood, and learning that I can celebrate in many different ways. 

One thing that has been so wild has been the clarity around choices of all sorts during this journey. Before so much of my life was lived in a way that covered pain, sorrow, boredom, joy, and every other emotion with food. If you know me, you know my feelings (of all kinds) often tasted like Mexican martinis and chips and queso. I've learned that one Mexican martini and a handful of queso and chips is plenty. Physically limiting my intake was the only way. My brain and belly required a rewire. And it was the very best decision for me. It will always be the best health-related decision I've made. 

So to myself, today, I say, Jeri, I'm so freaking proud of you. You did it. Surpassed every goal you set for yourself. You run, dance, sing, and enjoy your life. You will always want to eat the things you know you can't and that's ok. You make good decisions. One that improve your life. You demonstrate self-love to the highest levels to your kids. You demonstrate and live out #LYMI to yourself and because you do that, you can extend that love to others. Keep making the next right choice. Keep being tremendously proud of what you've accomplished. Don't ever not celebrate it, even if you are the only one celebrating. It took 42 years to get to the old you, you've got another 41 celebrating this new one, at least! Jeri, I love you to the ends of the earth. Go forth and love others. 

Baby, baby, baby....

 Recently I saw and shared a meme about being the hype girl. And it really resonated with me. For so many years I felt the need to compete. To be the best. In sports, in academics, in life. I had to do the most. Be the most. Do better. And while it did get me lots of places it always made me tired. Made me consistently feel less than. The more I achieved the more I wanted, the less I felt. It also made me catty. A subpar friend. Made me compare everything. Made me green with envy. Made me depressed. I was kind but it was masking so much stuff. 

Quite a few years ago I decided I wanted to change. To learn to live in abundance. To know and believe that I had what was meant for me. That anything meant for me would find me. I began small. Replacing each negative thought with affirming ones. Affirming didn't always mean sugary positive. Sometimes it was simply, "no, not today" when the push to be rude or catty came through. Of course, there was therapy, meds, and lots of work on many different aspects too. Since many of my best people are spread out throughout the country I found that social media posts were a way to pebble them and let them know I loved them. Texts too.

As corny as it sounds, the more love, encouragement, and kindness I gave out, the more love returned. The greater capacity of love I had for others, the more I could find for myself too. If you follow me on socials you'll consistently (probably too much for some people but I love them anyway) see me telling people that I love them, mean it. And I do. I have found an endless capacity for love. Love that wants to see you be happy. Love that is there when love walks away. Love that cheers and celebrates the beginnings and love that consoles and holds space when the ends inevitably come. Love that will check in on you. Love that will give you space when you need it. But the love remains. You don't love me, it's cool. I still love you. I wish you all the good and peace this place we call life has to offer. I won't force my love in ways that feel uncomfortable for you if I do. Tell me. I can't stop loving you but I will never make you feel uncomfortable on purpose with my love. 

During the pandemic, I realized that so much of the love I had I poured into my patients and students. Suddenly I only had my immediate family to pour that onto and while that was good I was bursting. So I decided to start writing and widening my virtual love circle. And y'all, it was incredible. Many people may think this is a facade or some mask I put on but it's not. I do love this much. I love complete strangers. Want them to know that some random woman in West Texas thinks they are lovable and wonderful. 

I know some of you may think this makes me naive. I am not. I know there are some very dangerous people out there. Just cause I love you doesn't mean I invite you in without vetting or precautions. I am loving but I am not gullible or interested in putting myself, my family, my friends, my colleagues, or my students at risk. And let me tell you, the list of people who aren't on my love list is short but the list exists and it takes a lot to get on it and once you're on, it's a life sentence. As I half-jokingly say pray with me, don't play with me. 

So, as you start your week. Know that I love you big and wide. You're doing so great. It might not seem like it but whatever good or bad will pass. Keep on moving. Rest when needed and if you need a little laugh or love, you know where to find me. Until then, get it! Love you, mean it!