In like a lamb...now finding your own voice

So the 2nd of 5 will celebrate her 7th trip around the sun tomorrow. Around each of the kid's birthdays I rapidly decompose into the sappy mom. Although we had a very busy couple of years having baby after baby, I remember the day before they were born and the day of their birth with a kind of clarity reserved for only the most special of memories.

My pregnancy with IE Ree was pretty mundane. Yes, we moved almost 4000 miles over the course of 10 weeks, we uprooted ourselves in search of something new and in the end we ended up back at the foothills of the Sierras. The only real poignant thing about that pregnancy was a potential for birth complications which turned out to be a false alarm. She was simply taking her time and letting us get to a good place before arriving, which would be foretelling of her personality. Always willing to be patient and wait for others to catch up.

The day she came was a pretty ordinary Monday. The VIT was at home, baby B was being her usual sassy self but I woke up really early thinking that today might be the day. I should have known because shortly after waking, I desperately needed a nap. I laid back down and slept so deeply for about 5 hours. When I woke up I knew I was definitely in labor. We waited for the VIT's mom to get to us to watch baby B. In true Jeri fashion I knew our rent was due and calmly wrote out a check and we dropped if off on our way to the hospital which was about a 30 min drive from our home. Our landlord and friend thought I was nuts but I had to know it was taken care of. IE would be born at a small (when I say small I mean, we were the only people in the hospital for over 2 days) local district hospital. The staff was wonderful.

I was terrified because my first birth experience included complications with anesthesia. This time around it would be flawless. As the sun set through the beautiful aspens our sweet IE Ree would be born. She was 40 weeks and 1 day. She gave a teeny cry/grunt and that was it. She was wide-eyed and quickly nestled into me. It was one of the most healing experiences of my life. Her shock of jet black hair and olive skin with the most curious blue-grey eyes were one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. She was here, she was perfect, and she was whom we've grown to know from the very minute she came.

IE Ree, you are my little sweet love. You continue to express all the emotions with a raw beauty and honesty that few can honestly and unabashedly feel. It's a gift, never lose it or let anyone change that. You are both kind and now, just coming into some feisty-ness that gives me irritation but also reminds me of the long-lineage from where you spring from. You always put others needs and feelings above your own. You ultimately want others to be happy. It makes my heart glad to see you finding your own voice. I love you so intensely, not more, just differently. You are the goodness I see in the world.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday. We love you so much. Keep being you little love. Know that we will always be here. Always your point B. I can't always keep you from hurt or disappointment but I'll always be there with some soft tissues and loads of love. Be wild every once in awhile, it's good for your soul. Love you to bits. Happiest of birthdays!

Sometimes love won't be enough

One thing that sticks out in my mind regarding marriage has always been some sage words that the VIT and I heard when we were going through our pre-marriage counseling. When we were on our Engaged Encounter weekend, which we were super skeptical about, we got to hear from two different couples and a priest (we were active and practicing Roman Catholics). One particular talk was based around how to deal with things when the newness of marriage wears off and life begins to sink in. The couple that we were in a small group with said, "there will come a time when love, it just simply won't be enough. You'll be forced to fall back on the commitment you make." At first that made me bristle..how could love not be enough?!?!?! Clearly they were wrong and maybe just didn't love each other enough. However, that phrase was emblazoned on my mind.

Fast forward a couple of years, 2 kids under the age of 2, exhaustion to a level I never knew possible and that phrase plopped itself right into my lap. It is not that I didn't love the VIT but things were rough. I was tired. He was tired. The kids were running us ragged. Life wasn't fun. It was fucking hard. We were still trying to navigate a fairly new marriage and parenting. I don't think there was a time when we seriously considered divorce but there were definitely days that I contemplated filling up that car with gas and seeing how far I could drive...

Every time we could feel the tension rise and things would get hectic I would retreat into myself and remember that I did love him and I was committed wholly to making our marriage work. It didn't mean we didn't fight. Didn't mean we weren't FURIOUS sometimes at each other. It also didn't mean I didn't love him so intensely, I did. I also wanted to smother him with a pillow some nights. I may have even told him that I would do that but raising these kids on my own would be too hard. At 2 am, I for sure meant it.

Fast forward to almost a decade, 2.5 more kids and more trials and moments of joy than I can count, that phrase is true. It's also something to take stock in and find comfort in. That commitment to our marriage is there. I still want to smother him sometimes. I also see how amazing of a husband and Dad he is. How he tirelessly has pursued his dream all while raising a family together. I am so fortunate that I often hear how amazing of a mom I am with work, raising kids, pursuing my academic goals, etc. I don't think he hears that often enough.

B, you are a good person. An amazing husband. A phenominal Dad. You have a problem with Monster. You are still the funniest person I know. I think you're in the making of fine priest. I commend your patience. Most of all I am thankful for your commitment to our family and our marriage. As we spend our last days as a family of 6, I am reminded that we will continue to renew our lease on each other. Love you TTMB

https://youtu.be/pHzAVDg4m1Q

You will hear her....

Recently I heard a song by Andy Grammer, She'd Say...it's one of those that hits you right in the feels. As I listened to it a flood of emotions filled my mind, my heart, my soul, and my eyes. As with all of my pregnancies I have felt the impenetrable loss of my Meme. She was as Grammer says she was the perfect mixture of a mama, a shaman, and a fiery pistol, of a lot of things. And sometimes I can hear her voice in the words I speak to my daughters (and hopefully my son). She would want me to tell them to love me, to love each other, to be kind, to be independent, and to love others as they would want them to love them. She would also teach them to do no harm but also to take no shit. She would teach them to make cornbread dressing. She would show them how to almost make her tortillas, cause ain't nobody make tortillas like Meme. Never. Full. Stop. She would envelop them in the scent of Avon lotion and White Shoulders. She would be their soft place to land and the boot in their ass when they weren't living up to their best selves. She would tell me to be strong with them but also that they were just little girls and to never crush their spirits. I miss her more with each passing day. Last night I had one of the most vivid dreams I've ever had of her. She was happy and joyous. It was perfect.

Shortly after hearing this song I shared it with Bryan. He too was so fortunate to grow up with two grandmothers who were mighty women. I'm always going to be sad that I never got to meet Ellen or Verna. Verna raised 6 children and was the pillar of strength for her family. She was a fiery redhead who ran a tight ship and showed a lot of love. Ellen, she was no less fiery and was tough as nails but loved her kids and grand kids with a love that is unparalleled. I am sad our children will not know them in the way that their Dad did but I know, unequivocally that they both live through their grandparents and Bryan.

As we continue to prepare to bring Harrison earth side we know, without a doubt, that at the moment, he will be ushered by his family that sits just on the other side of the veil. They will hand him over and continue loving us all from afar. We count the days, 53 for those whom are counting.

Andy Grammer-She'd Say