1096 Days and None At All

 Your birth was scary and beautiful. I thought that over the past three years I had dealt with and moved beyond the trauma of that afternoon but just the other day it came rushing back. With all of your siblings I never really worried or thought about dying. Of course, we had the discussion about the "what ifs" but they were just discussions. On October 24th, 2019 those discussions quickly became potentially real. I distinctly remember being alone with nurses in the OR as they were rushing to get me prepped and knowing in my heart that I was ready to give my all, up to and including my own death to ensure you made it earthside. I wish I could remember the very short but determined nurse whose arm I grabbed and told "if it's him or me, let me go, I'm ready." I meant every single word of that. She squeezed my arm as they stretched it out and strapped it down and said, "No one is dying today." Before I knew it my grey baby was shown to me for a split second and I remember saying out loud "Harrison Manuel Callen you are marked as Christ's own forever in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit." Everyone seemed to slow down and listen. Then your Dad came in and turned around and headed down the hall. The rest was a bit of a blur and soon I was in a recovery room with your Aunt Lacey. She certainly didn't sign up for this task but I'll be forever grateful she was there. 

You have grown and are the sunshine of our family. I think even though your siblings don't know the specifics of how you made your way earthside they instinctively know that your being here is a gift. We have been counting down the days to your 3rd birthday and they are your biggest fans. You love your mama and daddy more than I thought anyone could. You are our sweetest gift from Daddy's time in seminary. You are a big ham and I love that you get your humor and timing from me. We have the same eye shape and nose. You have your dad's eyes. They are the prettiest pools of blue. 

So my little love, explore and play. Be sad, be happy, be exuberant, be soulful, be all of the things. Run and play. Sleep and rest. Keep giving your sisters hugs that are far stronger than a 3-year-old should. Give your mama a Gig Em every day. Keep being your Daddy's biggest fan. We love you, little dude. Let's go see what the world holds for you because if I know anything, I know you are meant for some special purpose and I have a sneaking suspicion you know that too. 

Happy Birthday, Harrison Manuel! 

Love, 

Mama

Oh the colors!

 Way back in 2017 (seems like forever but it was just 5 years ago) we began this journey as a clergy family. For 3 of these years, we were in the proverbial "waiting". Waiting for the end of each year, each Ember Day letter period, and for each next step. The vicar was learning about his craft and how to apply his understanding of theology to his future practice and vocation. As a family, we were learning how to make our way forward in new ways. We learned a lot about the beauty of ordinary time. The kids learned about the changing of the seasons through the colors of the liturgical vestments and linens on the altars. They also learned that Daddy was less busy when the color green was up. They knew that purple and blue meant lots of things that Daddy needed to do and places he needed to be. They knew that white was the signal that things were happy if that's not the beauty of Easter I don't know what is). Lastly, they knew and know that red usually means flying banners or birds in church (for those who aren't Episcopalian lots of churches fly holy spirit dove-shaped kites/banners around at Pentecost). I wanted them to find their own meanings for the liturgical changes and as they had questions we answered them. I was surprised when they caught on early and were able to find their own meanings for these various times.

If you follow me on Facebook you know that each of the kids has (save for 4.0 and 5.0) taken up being acolytes and it makes my heart happy that they are each experiencing church in their own way. For the most part, they enjoy serving because as they tell me each time "it makes church go faster." For now, I'll take that. As we move towards and through Advent I hope they will feel the change in the season in a different way. If you know me I LOVE THE ENTIRETY of Advent and Christmastide. I want to celebrate it as fully and for as long as is socially appropriate (well really we know I don't care about Advent police and will generally celebrate it sooner than most). I hope they feel a growing joy that I have come to appreciate. I hope they also see the pride and dedication that their dad, the Vicar, and all clergy pour into that time. That they will learn more flexibility because Daddy will be busy. That we will all continue to create our own traditions and find joy in the season that is always full of miracles. 

This will be our first Advent where the Vicar is fully in charge. We know that things will be different but we know we can be flexible and find the happiness that this brings. We look forward to seeing our church families during this time. We will be waiting with the world for our celebration of Jesus' birth. 

So friends, while we live in the beauty of ordinary time, let us be grateful for this lull and prepare for what comes next. If you need a little Advent/Christmastide spirit, you know where to find me. Bring on the blue (really should be purple but that's for another day!)!

68 days, 9 weeks, 8 Fridays to the best day! 

Beloved Community

 During our most recent diocesan convention, I had the opportunity to sit and break bread with the clergy spouses from around our diocese. We introduced ourselves, made small talk, ate, and shared a quiet understanding of what it is like to be the background people for our clergy spouses. During our luncheon, the topic of finding a middle ground in a diverse geo-political landscape came up. As a still new clergy spouse (it has only been 2 years) and a new person to this diocese my stomach kept telling me to listen and not speak but the old adage of "let's agree to disagree" came up. My mind and my heart could not do that. We can agree to disagree on many many topics (candy corn is trash candy and beets are gross) but when it comes to the sanctity of other human beings and their right to exist and know they are loved, we cannot. Or rather, I cannot agree to disagree. 

As some of you, probably those who are Episcopalian, know our diocesan bishops in the USA recently returned from the Lambeth conference. For those of you not in the know, this conference is held about every 10 years in England. Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury invites bishops from throughout the Anglican Communion (worldwide) to a 2-week conference to pray, study, and do things at Canterbury. For several conferences (one was canceled due to stupid Covid) there has been growing dissension from some of the conservative regions about progressivism and inclusion in The Episcopal Church. Predominantly around our ordination, inclusion, and loving affirmation of LGBTQUIA+ people. If you are interested you can Google "Lambeth" and you'll definitely go down the rabbit hole. But basically, one very vocal group believes LGBTQUIA+ folx should be withheld from the positions of leadership, believes that those who actively live their truth are sinning against God and Her Church and should not be given sacraments, believe me, it's a whole thing. 

As a staunch ally, I cannot agree that this group of people (who exist in our midst in our family) and who are beloved by God and made in Her image are anything but wholly part of the Beloved Community of God. I cannot resign myself to say that we will agree to disagree because by doing such, I am asked to deny that they belong and have a right to live their authentic life journey. I cannot agree to disagree that they have less dignity than I do because we love differently. I will not agree to disagree. I will FOREVER believe you are misguided. 

In response to my telling this, I was asked, well how can we say we love our neighbor as ourselves if we are not willing to discuss our differences and agree to disagree? My response to this is that I do not have to agree to disagree to love someone. God calls on me to love my neighbor. And I can, from a distance. I can pray for a change in their heart. I can pray that they have good things happen to them. I can pray they are warm and safe and loved. I can pray all of these things from a distance. God never said I have to love them right in my face, God just said to love them. Additionally, God never said I had to like them. Not one time. 

So, beloveds, know that no matter your political stance, your religious affiliation (unless you are actively atheist because that would be rude of me), your gender identity, etc I will love you. But, if you believe that others are less because of any of those things, I cannot and will not agree to disagree with you. I will always disagree with you BUT as strong as my disagreement is, so is my desire to still love you and call you beloved. But, I'll be doing it from a distance. I am ALWAYS open to a discussion. I am willing to hear you out. I hope you will also be willing to hear me out. If we find that we cannot, we will part ways and know that I will still love you. 

Have an amazing week beloved community. Thank you for letting me speak.