Dreams

For some reason lately I have been seeing the "Dream Crazier" Nike commercial. It's on TV, it's on Facebook, and admittedly I have watched it on YouTube a couple of dozen times. Each time I feel a special connection to the women in the commercial. Now, do not get me wrong, I am amazed by the quality of the athletes portrayed on those commercials and never in a million millennia would I put myself in their ranks. However, as a woman who is juggling lots of balls I do find kinship in the struggle to live my best life in a way that fulfills me as well as sets an example for the 4 most important people in my life, my kids.

For the past decade I have been methodically and steadily been working my way towards this goal of being an academic. First getting my master's in OT, working and gaining experience in the field, and going back to school to get a clinical doctorate. In all of my free time I also got married, had 4 kids in 5 years, and moved halfway across the country. Each of those things were intricately woven together and has made my current state what it is. I'm living my dream. In 2012 I was living in Las Vegas, we had two under two and I was pregnant with our 3rd. I was working my tail off to make ends meet while the VIT was getting his master's in secondary education while also staying at home with our growing family. I was especially stressed one day and a coworker lovingly sat me down and told me two things: 1. There was no way I could support 5 people on one income and 2. To prove her wrong. I think this coworker knew I needed to be challenged. I needed to be pulled out of the pit of despair and be set up to be successful. It was then that I really got down to brass tacks and began plotting how to make my dream of being able to support my family, however that looked, and make our lives as optimal as possible.

Fast forward a few years, I just had a baby and within 3 weeks returned to work and began working as a director. This was huge. Professionally I was able make all the pieces line up. We now were a family of 6 and each day when things were difficult I would think back to that coworker who knew I needed a little kick in the pants. Before our 4th was even 4 months old I began my doctorate studies. A year later we moved and my time in clinical worlds ceased.

Now as an assistant program director I am again stretching my worlds, my time, sometimes my sanity. But every time I think I just cannot do this for one more day I am reminded that in doing these things I am setting a precedent in my home, possibly in my workplace, for someone who thinks it's "crazy" to be doing this. My grandma is one of the hardest working souls I know. My desire to wake, up, pray, and slay definitely comes from her. She has done lots of "crazy" things in her life. Recently we were talking and she was giving me pointers on how to move through feeling "not enough", she said something that will forever ring in my ears, "honey, you're already at the table, you belong there, that is enough." I am at the table. I am doing my best. I am enough as a mom, a wife, a professor, a clinician, a friend. I am enough. I am also crazy. And you'd do well to hold on because I'm just "crazy" enough to keep going.

So if you're reading this an wondering when will you feel like you've made it, the reality is maybe never but maybe that's not the goal. Maybe the goal is to feel enough. And honey, you're already at that table, that is enough. Wake up each day and just do you.

Lent...what do you mean we don't eat the meats???

Lent is approximately 36'ish hours away. The house gets a little quieter. Our family consumption of meaty products reduces tremendously (the oldest PK couldn't be happier) and we lean into the waiting. This year I will be wrapping my hair each day as a practice to help center prayer and as a reminder of why we are called to pray unceasingly. 

I have been practicing and gathering my needed accouterments for the past few months. Scarves in various patterns, fabrics, and sizes. Some undergarments to make sure the scarves stay put. And some embellishments that will serve to jazz things up a bit. I've already had a few people ask me why I'm choosing this. Why not just give up caffeine or chocolate, or wine? The answers are both easy and complicated. I see Lent as an opportunity for not just giving up but also bringing in. In bringing my focus in on prayer and meditation I will gain insight and lose some of my stress and anxiety. In bringing the focus in I can effectively put out more positivity. In my usual practice I indulge in all the things I'm giving up in the days preceding Lent. This year I've had to give up the bits of precious me time to ensure I don't look completely disheveled. Wrapping is an art. It's not as easy as the You Tube videos make it look. I also do not give up caffeine because bail is expensive and without it, your girl is about as pleasant as an itchy butt. 

I'm still working on my responses should someone ask why...I have some interwebz friends that have been pillars of strength and inspiration. So here is to the last few hours of hair nakedness. May those of you in preparation find peace in your giving up and leaning in. Blessed Lent ya'll I'll see ya at the tomb.