Dreams

For some reason lately I have been seeing the "Dream Crazier" Nike commercial. It's on TV, it's on Facebook, and admittedly I have watched it on YouTube a couple of dozen times. Each time I feel a special connection to the women in the commercial. Now, do not get me wrong, I am amazed by the quality of the athletes portrayed on those commercials and never in a million millennia would I put myself in their ranks. However, as a woman who is juggling lots of balls I do find kinship in the struggle to live my best life in a way that fulfills me as well as sets an example for the 4 most important people in my life, my kids.

For the past decade I have been methodically and steadily been working my way towards this goal of being an academic. First getting my master's in OT, working and gaining experience in the field, and going back to school to get a clinical doctorate. In all of my free time I also got married, had 4 kids in 5 years, and moved halfway across the country. Each of those things were intricately woven together and has made my current state what it is. I'm living my dream. In 2012 I was living in Las Vegas, we had two under two and I was pregnant with our 3rd. I was working my tail off to make ends meet while the VIT was getting his master's in secondary education while also staying at home with our growing family. I was especially stressed one day and a coworker lovingly sat me down and told me two things: 1. There was no way I could support 5 people on one income and 2. To prove her wrong. I think this coworker knew I needed to be challenged. I needed to be pulled out of the pit of despair and be set up to be successful. It was then that I really got down to brass tacks and began plotting how to make my dream of being able to support my family, however that looked, and make our lives as optimal as possible.

Fast forward a few years, I just had a baby and within 3 weeks returned to work and began working as a director. This was huge. Professionally I was able make all the pieces line up. We now were a family of 6 and each day when things were difficult I would think back to that coworker who knew I needed a little kick in the pants. Before our 4th was even 4 months old I began my doctorate studies. A year later we moved and my time in clinical worlds ceased.

Now as an assistant program director I am again stretching my worlds, my time, sometimes my sanity. But every time I think I just cannot do this for one more day I am reminded that in doing these things I am setting a precedent in my home, possibly in my workplace, for someone who thinks it's "crazy" to be doing this. My grandma is one of the hardest working souls I know. My desire to wake, up, pray, and slay definitely comes from her. She has done lots of "crazy" things in her life. Recently we were talking and she was giving me pointers on how to move through feeling "not enough", she said something that will forever ring in my ears, "honey, you're already at the table, you belong there, that is enough." I am at the table. I am doing my best. I am enough as a mom, a wife, a professor, a clinician, a friend. I am enough. I am also crazy. And you'd do well to hold on because I'm just "crazy" enough to keep going.

So if you're reading this an wondering when will you feel like you've made it, the reality is maybe never but maybe that's not the goal. Maybe the goal is to feel enough. And honey, you're already at that table, that is enough. Wake up each day and just do you.