It's been 3 weeks and 3 days since PKIT 5.0 was born. 3 weeks and 3 days of serious ups and downs. Of darkness and of so much needed light. In the last three weeks we have been blessed with people checking in on us as a family, on H, on the VIT, and on the girls. I have been blessed to have numerous people check up on me. For the most part I've been fine...no not really. I was fine for the first week or so. Week two hit me like a ton of bricks. Familiar, scary, dark bricks that made life scary and anxiety-ridden. Difficulties with nursing compounded these bricks and the all-too-familiar PPD/PPA had set in. I tried to smile and muscle through. I've done this before, I know the right responses. I know how to make it seem like I'm fine. But to live a transparent, no-stigma, life, I was not fine. I was spiraling into the abyss that only others who have been down this road (or loved someone who runs down this road) can identify with. When the darkness began to be all that was, I reached out. I reached out to numerous people. I was honest. I let them know I was not okay. That I was struggling. That I was losing the battle and that my breaking point was near. They reassured me that I had done the right and good thing. That I wasn't alone. And that they'd be there for the road back to healthy.
Part of the road was deciding that nursing wasn't going to work this time around. Anatomy of me, anatomy of the PKIT, mental health of me, and some clear issues with his tolerance of my milk was making all of this really too much to juggle. We have been supplementing since he was born. He has a voracious appetite, and in the end, it was the straw that had to go in order to not break me. This decision was not one I entered into lightly. It was one that came filled with guilt, and shame, and tears, and crying jags. It was one that my rationale medical mind knew had to be made but my irrational mama heart couldn't quite commit to. It took a good and dear set of friends who told me that I needed to do this, to remain in my commitment to the PKIT being alive and healthy AND me being alive and healthy. They gave this support with humor, and grace, boatloads of sarcasm (which I appreciate on an intense level), love, and straight talk. There were buckets of tears but there were also huge and heavy sighs of relief. There was the reassurance of a teeny young man who has continued to consistently fall asleep and breath deep baby breaths while splayed across me. Never have I been both relieved and tired at the same time. Cuddles continue.
As we continue to navigate this post-partum life, I know I'm not anywhere near being healthy. But I'll get there. Everyday I will have my rituals that will get me through the tough times and I'll give myself grace when I don't get some or all of them done. I'll be thankful for the easy times and gentle when the darkness looms. It's a process.
If you are reading this and it seems all too familiar, REACH OUT. Likely we are friends (on FB and probably in real life). I'm available. You don't have to spill all the tea but you can just say, I'm not OK, I'm having a rough day, I'm thinking this feeling isn't right, anything. I will listen. I will take you to Target. Or Sonic. Or we can just go ride around, in awkward silence in my awesome 93 Honda or the Black Suburban Bus. I got you. I won't let go. You and I both deserve to be healthy. I'm willing to walk that road with you.
To those who are currently walking with me...I love you to the moon and back. Thank you for all you've done, or said, or written. I'm blessed beyond measure and I couldn't be doing this without you. Near or far, doesn't matter, I got you.
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