Holidays and Home Goings

 I am currently preparing to go "home" to be some sort of support for my dearest sister-friend as she prepares to lay to rest her much-beloved daughter at the end of this week. I don't really know what the hell I'm doing. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not do funerals. I have never found them peaceful nor have they given me closure. I'm all about making amends, saying goodbye, and as my grandma put it giving my flowers before people pass. I did not attend my grandfather or my grandmother's funerals. I generally try to find some time alone and give my thanks for their life and their part in my life and that of my family. And then I let it go. That doesn't mean I don't get sad or miss them, I do, but I am able to put that in a box and let it out in ways that are appropriate for me. I would also be remiss if I didn't recognize and acknowledge that I just feel uncomfortable with much of my family of origin. I have lived away from most of them for most of my adult life. We (them and me) aren't close, by my choice, and so it would feel disingenuous for me to pretend to or feel comfortable grieving loss with them. Sometimes it is just like that. 

I have deeply felt this loss. The loss of a child who radiated joy and is probably one of the few people who genuinely lived life on her own terms. As a mother, I cannot ever imagine her mama's grief. She won't ever get over it. She will learn to live with her grief. She and her husband and daughter and son will learn to do life in this new space. My job, is to love her. To say her child's name. To stand in that liminal space as she closes out the physical plane of her daughter's life and be the wall if she needs something sturdy to lean on. And while some may ask why I would do this for my friend but not my family? Because the family I chose has consistently shown me what healthy relationships look like. They have taught me how to set and keep healthy boundaries. This particular friend has been a sister to a lost woman who needed help navigating the adult world, mothering, career, and has shown up. Love shows up. 

When I board that plane on Friday I will do so with a heavy but grateful heart. Grateful to have known such a radiant soul, grateful to continue to be included in her family, grateful to have a friend who is the essence of love.