Approaching school year when you are a parent

 If you follow me on The Book then you know every summer I try to do a Captain's Log. It is a fanciful account of me trying to wrangle the pint-sized pirates I made myself through the summer break. It always starts out strong but as with most things in the 7th circle of Hell heat, we've had the log shrivels and dies much like the weeds and grass in our front yard. Each year I try to come up with some catchy hashtags but one constant is #letsmakeittoaugust. With just 11 days until all the teeny folks return to school, and it already being 6 days into August I think we made it! BY.THE.SKIN.OF.TEETH.AND.MY.LAST.SHREDS.OF.SANITY. You read that right. 

With school supplies and first-day outfits purchased I am desperately hanging onto being able to hug them tightly whenever I want and counting the minutes until I can push them out the door and revel in a quiet house on the first day. Isn't it funny how much we learn to balance the waiting and the sadness that comes with changes? A dear friend here was telling me how proud she was of her daughter buying her first home but also missed her being a toddler. Now, for a split second I thought (and did not say), ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! I'll trade you! Then a half second later I could see myself walking that thin line between watching them become independent beings and wanting to keep them small forever. For those of you who have the luxury of geographic independence and a quiet home because your kids have left home, I simultaneously long for those (and a decent throw blanket that doesn't get wrecked) but I know there are parts of me that will miss them running down a hall like a herd of damn buffalos (as I'm sure you do as well). 

Another dear friend and veteran mother told me when I was a new and novice mom who was suffering from horrible and undiagnosed PPD/PPA that someday things would get easier but that having a child is learning how to exist with one of the biggest parts of your heart living outside your body. At the time it felt unintelligible, Kathy F., you were so right. I thought it would get better as they got older but I was wrong. Sure they can tell me if they need something or if they are hurt but now they also have parts of their life in which I am no longer the center. It sucks but it is the way of things. I'm not their best friend, and that's how it should be, I am still the soft place to land. 

As the Vicar and I oscillate between being happy schedules and order will return we are also feeling the sads a bit as we realize another summer has passed that will never be uniquely this again. If you are a parent who no longer needs a captain's log, check on your friends who do. We are happy things will return to some sort of order but we will long for midday naps and hugs. Tell us it will all be well. 

Mrs. Vicarage