Yesterday I was taking part in my fellowship program. Part of the program includes going through case studies and reflecting on how to work with the clients in the study. Now, this is something I do with my own students, a lot. I believe that case studies are low-stakes, high-learning opportunities. They allow us to learn and grow as clinicians without the risk of harming our clients. After my first semester of teaching I realized that although we were sheltering patients and clients, I also had a responsibility to shield my students, prepare them, and most importantly empower them to speak up and or step away from situations and studies that may have a direct impact on them. As a professor, I have no way of knowing what my students may have been exposed to and their life experiences, and if they don't tell me (which they are always free to do but never mandated to do) I am somewhat flying into clouds. I began giving warnings and permission for them to step out, give me a heads up, and opportunities to debrief post-work if they needed it. I have had several/many students come to me and we have worked through difficult cases. I am transparent with them that sometimes you will walk into situations that will catch you off guard and you will need to push the professional wall forward and manage yourself until the session ends or you can safely transfer care to someone else while you gather yourself. It has happened to me a handful of times. It's hard but it is reality. But, in learning environments, you can and should always be able to tap out. My students are welcome to do so. It does not make me think any less of them, in fact, it makes me respect them. They know their limits. They realize when their objectivity is clouded and they need help to learn how to manage that. That is my job.
Yesterday I was completely caught off guard. The learning case had to do with a child who was in a burn unit. Immediately I was taken back to when the littlest PK was burned. The sounds of his screams that wouldn't stop, the smell of his flesh, the pain, I will never forget those things and they all came rushing back to me. Unfortunately, there was no way for me to tap out. Eventually, I left the session and I spent most of the rest of the day reliving the horror and grounding myself in what is current and true. The event with him happened over 2 years ago but in those moments it was right in front of me. I sought out a dear friend who sat with me as I comforted my son. She helped me process, as did the Vicar. Today, I sought help from my own mental health care provider. I'm managing and it will be okay.
The inability to tap out and to be so triggered by yesterday has made me realize I have to be more diligent in caring for my students. I have to be willing to anticipate their needs and how certain aspects of training might affect them. And when I fail to do so, I have to be immediately willing to help support them. I need to apologize for my part. I have to process and do better. I have to remember that the onus of psychological safety always sits with me as their teacher. I have to walk that tenuous line of preparing and protecting. I have to ensure they know that I will be the one to help and do better.
If you are one of my previous students and you were ever put in a situation like this and I was responsible for your teacher, I am sorry. I know that isn't enough but it's the start. If you want to reach out to me, I am here. If you ever wondered if I knew, I probably didn't but I apologize and hope that you know that it was never intentional. I am getting better every day and you have my word, I will do better.
Here is to doing and being better every day.
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