Showing up

 Several years ago I had a student who told me she just wanted to quit. She didn’t want to do things anymore. I told her she wasn’t required to do anything except show up. Show up, God and the universe will take care of the rest. Just.show.up. Keep showing up. 

Today I woke up at a full pity party. Why is my recovery so hard? Why couldn’t my recovery be uncomplicated and painless? Why couldn’t I be farther in my healing? Why have I been chosen to have this? What did I do? So many whys. So many tears and pains. Definitely forgetting that God doesn’t cause or prevent these things. Losing sight that through our best and worst days, God sits with us. Much like our parents or partner or friends do. Holding our hands. Holding the throw-up bag. Wiping our faces. Getting us water. Crying with us. And conversely shouting with joy and thanksgiving with us. Cheering us on in our victories. Crying tears of pride and happiness with us. God, she sits with us through every moment. 

At one point I was gravely ill. I’ve been near septic several times and this time I actually was. My white blood cell count was off the charts. I was getting antibiotics every 4 hours, and all kinds of supplemental nutrition via IV, and things weren’t good. Very rarely does the Vicar get really worried but he was. I could see it on his face. I would gaze over and I could see him actively in prayer. I know it literally broke him to leave him to come back and take care of our babies but he held a brave face and let me know that everything would be ok. He sent me pictures of our children and made sure that he checked in frequently. That night alone, it was a really rough one. Lots of talking between me and our creator. Lots of tears. Lots of asking why. Crying and moving and self-pep talks. To say the scaries didn't creep in would be a lie. I did wonder if death would be worse than this. I sat with that for a good 12 hours and as the song says, "Even if you are not prepared for the day, it cannot always be night", SO MUCH TRUTH. The sun rose again and I watched it from my window at Midland Memorial. That was the first day that I literally got on my knees, IV poles and all, and said I was ready to make the steps and do what was needed to get myself back to my kids, the vicar, my students, friends, and family. Even if that meant another surgery. More meds, more hospital stays. I prayed and prayed. And when I opened my eyes, the sun was a beautiful shade of golden yellow. Radiant. I woke up to texts from dear friends telling me they loved me. My husband and my children. The prayers I prayed were like poems to myself and the answer was "with God's help." That morning the surgeon came in and said that my white blood cell count was trending down towards normal and we were going in the right direction. 

Through the last few days our friends, from around the country descended physically, spiritually, and emotionally for us. Corrie and Olivia, I have no words. Y'all saved us. Thank you. Ricky, you saw me at probably the worst. And the space you held, sacred. Thank you. Lacey, driving from Dallas, spent the night on an awful couch to be my advocate, to ensure Christian didn't catch some hands, to make me laugh, and to bring me back to my family. Love you big. Jamie, offering to come and support our family, Tricia, for the same. Both advocating from afar, your love is precious. We will see each other when it isn't an emergency. The overflow of texts and messages from students (past and present) thank you! Friends, near and far. Love you. 

Finally, to the vicar and the kids, y'all are the reason I found the sun again. I love you more than words could ever accurately describe. This week has been scary and terrible. It has also brought us tighter and closer to each other. I love you all. Mama will be back to 100%, maybe not for a while but I'll get there cause if nothing else, I'm a tough broad who has always done what she says she will. I love you. Don't ever forget that. Love comes in so many forms. 

So until I'm healed, imma focus on showing up. The sun will keep rising. I'm gonna look for the sun.